307 ways to learn a new language faster


Remember Super Mario 3? Tanuki!

In numerical order:

  • 7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now
  • 13 Things That Are Totally Going To Change You In Your 30s
  • 14 Signs You’re Really Happy (And How To Stay That Way)

When did the annoyingly formulaic title, X ways to be a douche, become so ubiquitous? It sneaked up on me like a brain tumor, growing slowly, until I was like, “WTF, it’s everywhere”. Anyways, here are far fewer than 307 ways to learn a new language faster.

  1. Quit your job. This really frees up a lot of your time for that new language.
  2. Buy a plane ticket to wherever they speak your desired language (but choose a city/town/village where they don’t speak English). You saved some money before carrying out step 1, right?
  3. Learn how to say beer please in your new language: you will probably be thirsty when you get there.
  4. Befriend your local pub, bar, cafe owner and visit them everyday and never feel bad about pestering them and speaking their beautiful language terribly. Alcohol establishments are preferred as they will quickly help you bridge the fear gap of talking, or yelling, in your new language.
  5. Talk to EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. YOU. MEET. Old people are great. They come from a time when people actually had conversations so they’re good at it.
  6. Learn it on the pillow. Start dating a mother tongue in your new language. Make sure that they have no other language in common with you.
  7. Failing 6, find someone who is learning your new language and who doesn’t have any other language in common with you and date them, or, at least, befriend them. Avoid making friends with other English speakers. They are dirty.
  8. Don’t worry about being polite. Let’s be honest, you’re probably not that polite in your native tongue anyways and people expect foreigners to make mistakes. If you do happen to offend someone, pretend you’re Australian. Say Good-day mate and walk away.
  9. Exploit yourself. Figure out what makes yourself tick and exploit it. For example, if you seek validation in others, use that as a motivation to get yourself moving. Put yourself in a situation where you would be deeply embarrassed if you fail. If you’re competitive, find other people doing the same thing, make them your enemy and blow them out of the water.
  10. Drink plenty of water. This is just a good one in general.
  11. Don’t hesitate to masturbate. All that sitting and studying causes blood to pool in your nether regions. If the mood strikes you, go for it, but in the spirit of total immersion, pleasure yourself to content in the language of interest. An added bonus is you don’t need to feel guilty afterwards because, really, you kind of were studying.
  12. Don’t study all the time. That would be a seriously boring. Go for a bike ride, read a book, watch a movie, or, if all else fails, do some pushups.
  13. Yes, 307 is a prime number.

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